Goin' Back To Rehab.

Today was one of those days that felt productive. Perhaps it had to do with getting up earlier enough to go mail something. It's amazing how making it to the bank or post office before noon gives such an amazing level of accomplishment. I mailed a package. I didn't run a 10k or save someone's life. How ridiculous.

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Or maybe it had to do with the fact that I interviewed Mickey Avalon on my radio show today. Yeah, you heard me correctly. If you don't know who Mickey is, then I'll leave it to you to look him up on the internet. He's got a show this Wednesday in Nashville at 12th & Porter. Needless to say, I am attending and very excited. However, it will be my first hip-hip show so I'm not sure how to act at it. I'm kind of afraid. But somehow, I expect most of his fans to be beautiful women and white kids like me. Maybe I'll find my soulmate. That'd be interesting..."So where'd you meet each other?"

"Well there's this rapper who talks about prostitution, drug use, and all kinds of other immoral things. It was at one of his shows. We were singing along with him and during the line 'Puffin' white lines, sippin' warm Coors Lite,' our eyes meet and the rest is history."

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The interview was a lot of fun. Mickey is a real down to earth guy. He talked a lot more than I did and was really active in it - which always makes an interview easier. He seemed like a great guy and it make me even more excited for the show.

I also ate tons of food and saw Pirate Radio for free. That always makes for a good day.

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School is making more sense. I've thrown the idea of entertainment law around my head but we'll see about that. My major has come together a bit more and it looks I can actually be out of here next May! That's both exciting and scary as after that I have to be a grown up. It probably means moving again and starting over in many senses. In thought, that sounds okay but I know that it's difficult to do. I'm only started to feel comfortable here last Fall. That actually sounds like a long time ago but it was after having been here for a year. But now that I have friends, it feels weird to think that I may not be here in two years; that I may never see some of the people who have been here for this part of my life.

People always say how college is the prime time. It's difficult for me to see that. Maybe because I started late or never took full advantage of the opportunities that are before me. Probably the latter. I feel like I have yet to really find an adventure worth taking. I've had a couple, I suppose. But it doesn't just drop in your lap. I see that now. I think I need to go.

I Left My Burdens In Grayson, Kentucky.

I've been gone for the past weekends. Traveling to Arkansas for a friend's wedding and then home, to West Virginia. Both have proved to be needed breaks from the day to day routine that I've gotten into. Especially being home. Typically being home is great for a few days and then I'm more than ready to head back to Tennessee. But not this time. I guess I had a lot on my mind and a few things I've been struggling with. Thoughts and decisions. And I made a few of those decisions while at home and I must admit that I'm very happy with each one. I feel like I've narrowed down my plans for after I graduate - at least what sounds like a good idea at the moment. Once the decision is set in stone I'm sure it'll be made known. But for now, I'll keep it close.

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Relationships are interesting. I've dealt with quite a few of those in recent days. Old friends and old flames and forgotten names. There comes a point where you have to weigh some and see if it's worth the work. It's funny how ones I'd almost forgotten about have consumed my thoughts lately and how, on the other hand, ones I never thought would fade mean nothing to me. Some paths just aren't as appealing anymore and others have a familiar warmth.

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Sometimes I feel alone here. I mean, I'm not. But I guess I am. There are people I care about and who care about me. But when push comes to shove you realize who comes to mind and who doesn't. I'm not saying that none of these people mean anything to me. Just that I don't feel respected. Or...maybe it's not respect. But I don't feel cherished. I probably don't cross their minds too much when I fade away into myself. I guess that's okay.

Being home reminded me of the people who I do feel that for and from. I got coffee with a group of friends who really do mean the world to me. I drove around with one like a married couple. And I started a fire with another. I missed a few as I was only in town for a couple days and life gets in the way of life sometimes. But I was reminded that no matter how long I'm away and how far I go, there are people there that I truly can't imagine losing. And I learned that I haven't changed quite as much as I thought I had.

I Have Not Forgotten Them.

I have assignments due and responsibilities knocking at my door over and over again. But I just turn up the music and let the beats blend in with the music regardless of how out of sync it all is. That's what I'm doing right now. I just want to write and not deal with these things. My thoughts are on you, actually. This happens frequently. The "you" is usually a different person but lately it's all been this one. It's driving me insane, quite honestly. Playing games and doing things "the right way." It's just not how I'm designed I suppose. I operate differently than those who are squawking in my ears.

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I used to not care much for The Beatles. I mean, yeah, I respected them for their influence - their huge immeasurable influence on music in general. But I never really saw anything spectacular in them. That is until one night while listening to Abbey Road on vinyl - from the original pressing. It was this one bass line on the song Come Together. As soon as it rolled out everything fell into place and I saw why people talk so much about them. I became one of those people.

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I've started writing a friend back and forth. It's very interesting. At times, I feel that I've spread my writing outlets too thin. I have my journal which gets very personal thoughts. Almost like the beginning of theories. And then the somewhat worked out solutions are sent to my friend. And then I have this which is a very general - almost like a summary of the rest. It's the publication of what stuck to the wall.

I've spilled some stuff to him that very few people have heard. Just part of my heart and deep thoughts. It's very freeing as I know that he doesn't judge. I mean, we all judge things. And he and I disagree on many things but we still come to the table openly. It's been very nice.

And typically, when I open up to someone I want answers to internal questions that they don't have. I wrote a few pages on one topic and his response was one sentence. But it was perfect. And that's how our notebook goes, back and forth.

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It's very hard to take advice that goes against your gut. I like to go with my gut more than other people's direction. Sometimes they're right, I know. But I'd hate to think that I missed something because I didn't do what I felt was best. With that comes responsibility for failure as well, and not having someone to blame all of those on is rough - because it falls on my shoulders. But I'd rather have that than a disdain for someone who I allowed to lead me into a hole.

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What drives me more insane is wondering if your thoughts are on me like mine are on you. How fitting that "I Want You (She's So Heavy)" is playing right now.

It's Hard To Be A Decent Human Being.

It's been sometime since I've posted, almost a month. I've been busy but not that busy. I felt and still am kind of not facing things. Just keeping things as superficial as possible. I've been floating around for a little while, mostly waiting for school to start. Well school has started and things aren't really different.

But amongst late nights and lazy days with my roommates, I've had some talks and I've seen change in my life. Change in my thoughts and ideals. Convictions that used to be there that are gone. And all of these, I count for better. And I realize that some people won't ever understand what I mean. But these changes have been here for awhile and I've probably hinted at them. I know people have seen them; People from back home who only see me once in awhile can tell a difference. But I don't know that I could honestly and accurately explain them to you. They include, but are not limited to thoughts on: love, religion, God, and how I am to live life.

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I think the title of this post is fitting, considering what the title was of my post before last. I can see the last one being just about life. And in life there are so many things to do; to be.

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I started this post on September 3rd. It's been awhile. But I have had this post in mind the whole time in between. I've been wanting to return to it so many nights and mornings and tonight seems like the right time.

I just got off of the porch I've been on for the last three hours talking to with a dear friend. We've had these talks for sometime now. Each one is more enlightening than the last. I've been questioned and challenged in regard to all of those things listed above. And there's a lot about me that I don't think I ever knew; or that I pushed aside to never deal with. I wish that I knew where to start, where to spill my heart.

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I think people judge too much. Especially christians. It's like they think they're better than everyone or that if you aren't living like them that you just aren't worth their time. But do they forget that we're all worthless? That all of us are that woman by the well? All of us are whores, murderers & thieves. I wish they'd look into themselves and see that they are no better than the people they condemn. I've seen more of the lost with better hearts than the saved and selected.

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Love is a tough game. And I've been on the bench for awhile. And every time I get a chance to get back in the game I screw it up or find myself disinterested. And it boils down to the fact that I don't have it in me. As much as I want to give love, it just isn't there. There's nothing there for me to give you. There are too many risks and open wounds for you to access and I can't let you touch me there. I just don't have time for that game anymore.

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I feel that I'm not a very traditional christian. I think about God a lot. But I don't care much for these rituals of Sunday morning services and weekly gatherings because they all seem too fake. Too....put on. Too marketed. I'm searching for something real - a real connection that no one seems to be offering. I believe in God, not out of fear but out of reverence. I don't think I could convince someone that God exists because it's inherent in me. I can't look at this world and say that He doesn't. And to me not being able to see that is a travesty.

Too much weight is put on some of these acts and how they show the status of your soul. No one can see into another man's soul and to assume that you can is arrogant. And I don't think we're meant to beat our chest and curse ourselves but rather to love God and our fellow man - faults and all.

I think that if you aren't always searching and questioning your beliefs then you're in the clouds. And I wish you'd see that I am searching; that I am questioning. That if I believe, it will be for me. And that this is very important to me. That I am human and, well...

A Few Thoughts On Torture.

Alright, for those of you who follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you saw my updates regarding the topic of torture. I ended the 140 character messages saying that I would write a longer, more in depth response to that which I heard during the seminar revolving around the topic given by Mark Danner. It was part of a series of seminars given over the last couple of days making up Constitution Week.

First, let me go thru my thoughts on the use of torture by our government to obtain information.

I haven't been known to keep up on current affairs and news trends since my senior year of high school in Mr. Poling's political science class. So aside from a few very large events, I've been out of the loop. So I knew that torture was used during the Bush administration and our operations in Iraq. But I had always thought that it was okay due to the fact that it was for the safety of our country. I thought that if that's what it took to get the job done then it should be done. These people do horrible things to us and others so why not do the same to them when necessary*? To me it was an issue of speaking the same language. Think Native Americans and the English settlers: arrows verses guns. We want to be the kid on the block with the shiny toy and that's what waterboarding is! Okay, so that's a little stretched, but I think you gist.

* That's not to say that torture for the thrill of it is ever right. But if that's what it took, then that's what it took.

Today I went into this seminar thinking that my thoughts were going to be said to be stupid and unintelligent but I was wrong. Danner did disagree, but not in a demeaning way. He spoke intelligently and respectfully stating just what he's researched and felt.

The main point of the whole thing was to show how the use of torture went against the U.S. Constitution. The 8th Amendment specifically states that we won't use cruel and/or unusual punishment. And then there's also the Geneva Convention. And I knew that these were against the use of torture but it really didn't seem like that big of an issue to me.

So Danner started by reading one prisoner's account of being tortured in Iraq. It was that of one of the men behind 9/11 and the first to be interrogated this way. He was more of a guinea pig for the techniques, to see what was effect and what wasn't. I saw it as a method of pulling heartstrings and getting everyone on his side. He was manipulating the crowd and my arms were still folded at this point. but as he talked I started to see his point and even had a couple of questions. I was asking myself, "Should policy be rewritten to account of the change in warfare?" We weren't marching in lines in fields anymore; we're fighting a different war and should adapt to fight it adequately.

Danner explained how the founding fathers of our country who wrote the Constitution put that in there because they saw torture in England and tied torture to tyranny. He also told how interrogation techniques were used against the Nazis that were very effective and didn't involve torture. And how we give up the possibility of true justice when we use torture. We can't bring those who have been tortured into the court system because it's illegal. And at this point I started to think that perhaps torture isn't necessary. We shouldn't have to compromise ideals and human decency to win a fight. If our goal is to eradicate terrorists, we can't just kill them all because they will just keep coming. And if we stoop to their level and torture then that doesn't give them a reason to stop.

And when it came down to it, Danner didn't say that Bush and his administration was evil. He didn't even say they did a bad job. He believed that they believed that they did what they thought was best. But he said things needed to change. That our country needs to stand for what it stood for so long ago, back when we corrected ourselves and admitted mistakes. We need to take a stand and make our thought on the use of torture known. It isn't necessary, it isn't the only way to get things done. We can still fight fairly because this isn't a question of who has the better gun. It seems more of a question of revenge. They deserve this because they are evil. But they are humans and they don't deserve that. We can protect our country and not use torture. 9/11 didn't happen because we weren't using it. 9/11 happened at other security faults of our government - not following leads and investigating people living in the states and more and more. It was just something that happened, like Pearl Harbor. If we knew what we know now, it wouldn't have happened but that's not how it works. And if we'd been torturing then, that doesn't mean anything.

Anyway - those are the thoughts I had yesterday. Feel free to comment - just keep it respectful.

We're Human, This At Least We've Learned.

Last night I intended to play at an open-mic night of a bar near campus. As I was loading into my car, I received a call letting me know that they weren't doing it tonight. So all of my friends who made plans to go and see me decided that we'd hit up Sonic for tasty treats (Lemon Berry Creamslush is among my favorites) and then we'd head over to The House to hang out and perhaps music would still be had. The House is the name that is currently given to the house at which I live - along with Eric, J.A. Barr, Spencer, & Matthew. I could tell you about them all but I would feel like Jack Kerouac. The descriptions would consist of weird occurrences where you weren't and so you probably wouldn't get it - that's not to say that you wouldn't find them all as fascinating as they are...I'm just saying...

Back to the story................

So when one - and by one, I mean me - plays guitar for people, he's very conscious of the fact that people tend to ask to hear songs but once they make their decision, their assessment, critique, they either fake enjoying it or truly do. And he's been in situations wherein someone keeps playing and playing and playing and playing and playing and playing and playing and playing and playing and playing and playing and playing and playing and playing and it feels much like you were just now in wondering how many times I was going to type "and playing." Well, he doesn't want to be that guy. That party guitar guy. Always leave them wanting more! That's what we say.

So even though he really, very deeply wanted to play music and wanted for his friends to hear it he didn't bring it up as if he wanted to play slide show from his trip to wine country for them that they'd endure. So once they started asking, and not just one but a choir of voices asked to hear his songs, he got out his guitar.

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Spencer is a musician thru and thru. He's a writer. He's a thespian of life. But he'd hate to think that he was described in this manner. Talking to him feels like talking to a man who's been at sea for too long and broken more hearts than I've ever known. One who's seen dark places and even dwelt there. Cynical about the world and people who control it. He lives life as best as he can. I don't know if these things are true of him, but that's what I feel. I love being around him.

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Spencer came in and picked up his guitar and made his upright bass ready. He made drunken comments - not that it mattered if he was drunk or not. That's another trait of Spencer. And sadly, the most boring part of the story is it's climax. They played music and there was applause after each one. People saw a side of him that they'd never seen. They had probably started to wonder "what does this kid do, anyway?" Well, he showed them.

So Spencer and some of the others went out side while the rest of them sat inside and even asked for more. Harmonicas were used and lyrics were forgotten but laughter was there as well. It was a good time. And he realized that it was better to play in this setting because it showed that these were true friends and good people who care about him.

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While at Sonic - which I commonly & incorrectly refer to as Sonic's - one brought up the common realization of "how far you've come in a year." I sat there, knowing that I've been thinking about this past year quite a bit lately. He named people in the group who he knew at that point and who he didn't and everyone took a turn at this over top of each other. I wondered how many of those names have come to take someone else's spot.

All of these people I know who I call friends - I didn't even know they existed six months ago. One of them I even had a class with but he doesn't remember. I am thankful for these people. These people who teach me things daily even though I may not see it until reflection or drunken revelations.

But I think of those who have come and gone in my life and how difficult it is to picture their faces or imagine their voices. It's always a little low or has the wrong timbre. Haha, like trying to remember the first line of the 2nd verse in that song last night (Which is: "When it rains will you walk beside me." Oh the things remembered in the shower.) I had to make it up. Like I do with you. The unfamiliar things which used to be so familiar will never be again. And this isn't all bad as that's the way life works. The trick is to not forget it all but remember those who leave a mark and touch your soul.

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I've come a hell of a long way in these twelve months. I've been in places that I never thought I would. I've done things that I said I never would. I am where I never thought I'd be. But I am happy. Each day J.A. makes me laugh as if I'm drunk, to which he replies in a way that only he can, "Are you drunk?" And I just laugh more and even have to question if I am or not.

I have laughed and cried with people that I may never even talk to again. But it's not all sad. I just hope that they remember me as a part of their past like I remember them.

But days turn to weeks and weeks to months. Leaves fall and rise back to their place. Old men close their eyes and babies cry. Things come to an end - good and bad. And life goes on. You can't blame mishaps of your life on others. Just watch your own skin but don't be afraid to bleed. Because it's in those moments that we realize we're human. This at least we've learned.

Two Song Debut.

I've noticed this new voice in my songs. It's one that has slowly been coming out over time but I find it to be near maturity now. Maybe that's not for me to decide. Here's a couple rough videos of two songs I've recently written. The lyrics are there, but you'll have to go back one entry to find some.

I found that using a video is the easiest way to get an immediate result, it does however removed the option of editing sound and such - which isn't that great. Oh well; it'll do for now... Enjoy.

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Had a wife back home

I was on my way to see her

And my baby boy

He was only three years old

But a man came in

He didn't want our things

For what he took that night

I would give it all away

I knelt down and picked them up

Wash the blood from your hands

Lay down in the river

Oh my sweet child

I will deliver

Once the blood turned cold

He went to load his gun

"I will hunt this man

No matter how far he runs!"

He searched around for months

Leaving no stone unturned

But everywhere he went

There was nothing to be learned

And as the man sat by a fire he looked over his shoulder all night

He held his head in his hands and he cried, knowing full well he deserved to die

"What have I done? I am no man! But You, You are the great I Am

Who so ever believes in you, Oh God, My God, Oh God, I do!"

Wash the blood from your hands

Lay down in the river

Oh my sweet child

I will deliver

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